what the shit
Weird things happen when you're an adult. Strange things that you could give two hoots about as a teen, or even a 20 something.
You start having theoretical arguments with nobody in the shower. You create safe words, not for sex but safe words to use among close friends when its time to activate your fake excuse to leave the party so you can go home and put on sweat pants. You get really attached to pens that feel nice when you write with them. You've stored away internal monologue's of what you should have said to your boss that time, just in case that exact scenario ever rises again.
Just the other night, my permanent retainer for my lower teeth just fell out. When your 13 and they glue a chunk of metal to your teeth and tell you permanent you believe it's forever, but when you're an adult, permanent only means until it falls out. Casually eating fried eggs and bologna for dinner (That's also and adult thing. Fried eggs and bologna is fucking gourmet, because it only costs about 3 cents per meal. Stock up, kids.), and all of the sudden the texture of your eggs becomes a lot more metallic. Chewing on metal eggs; this sums up adult hood quite well actually.
But in all reality, there is one adult issue that no one warns or prepares you for.
Nobody actually tells you that you are going to run into multiple occasions where you will have to deal with actual shit. I get it, everybody poops. This is nothing new and nothing shameful, but having random encounters of the fecal kind is something that nobody is ever prepared for. At first I thought it was just me, and awkward poop situations were gravitating towards me, but as I tell people about it I am hearing many intense scenarios. Enough so, I could probably write a whole series.
What the shit. A literally shitty series.
I actually wrote a retail blog to this effect on my business blog page titled "The Poopgate Scandal of 2017". Shameless plug. Visit www.houseofhammm.com to learn about our Consignment Clothing Boutique and read our comically charged retail blogs! The fact that I am now writing my second blog about poop is concerning in the regards of both my mental stability and the direction society is moving. Since Poopgate, my most recent encounter was pulling into my parking space at the store and being welcomed by a fantastically large, human poo in my parking space and up right up onto the fence. To be honest, what a talent to poo on a fence! Oh to be a fly on the wall (or fence, in this case). Wouldn't you believe it, that exact same day my mom went to Winners, and when she returned to her vehicle someone had left a pair of underoos, filled with poo, complete with their used toilet paper right in front of her car.
Wait...maybe it is it us? Are we targets?!
Is this the Poopocalypse? Is it a Government conspiracy? Are they pumping the water full of laxatives, or has society as a whole just gotten so unscrupulous that random parking lot shits are just something that we can expect to see on the regular? How sad is it, that when you hop on the internet, it's full of shitty videos (pun intended) easily proving my point that society is falling short on second thoughts.
I know what some of you are thinking. The naysayers can't fathom it. Say it ain't so. Get ready to throw that naivety out the window and punch in on "Tim Horton's Poop Thrower" into the Google Machine. Go ahead... I'll wait (sorry, not sorry in advance).
So, did you do it? Believe me now?
"How was your day today?"
"Oh, good. I went shopping then went for lunch but they made it wrong so I had to throw a turd at the staff. How was yours?"