Wednesday, 7 March 2018

A funny woman? You’ve got more chance of finding a diamond stuck to your scrotum. Am I right, or am I right?!??

REDDIT USER 2: HELL YEAH! Women wouldn’t know what a good lol was if it went and hit ‘em in the face.

REDDIT USER 1: Unless ‘lol’ is short for ‘lollipop’, and ‘lollipop’ is code for ‘my dick’.

If you look hard enough, you’ll probably find the above conversation somewhere on reddit. I’d do the legwork for you, but I’d rather gouge my eyes out with a severed chode than scroll through reddit idiocy. Genuinely.

But, if you want boiling blood, here are some threads to check out -

I know, I know - I shouldn’t let myself be so bothered by internet trolls, but threads like these violently fuel the mindset of shit lads. And, much to my utter dismay, shit lads are not quite the dying breed they should be.

To further encourage the absurdity of systemic misogyny, there are plenty of ‘legitimate’ articles that ‘prove’ women have inferior comedic skills to men.

Like these -

In summary, if men want to get laid, it’s imperative they’re funny - it’s a sexual survival skill. Whereas, women don’t need to develop interesting personalities - they have other ‘qualities’ that appeal to guys. I’m not really sure how this theory works outside of heterosexual relationships. Presumably, gay men are always having a whale of time together, slipping around in their own joke-induced tears. Yet gay women are forced to endure a lifetime of tedious bants and sympathy laughs.

Let's not beat around the big ol' feminist bush - all of this discriminatory bullshit really curdles my milk. But, it also explains a lot. It explains why, after enjoying a lol-packed conversation avec moi, some men will take it upon themselves to become my unwanted therapist - a problem I suspect very few witty guys have to deal with.

My guess is that, for those pseudo-therapists, it’s utterly incomprehensible for a woman to be truly entertaining. It defies all of their ingrained logic. So, if they do happen to stumble across a comical woman, she must be proper mental. She must’ve had a troubled childhood. She must be riddled with self-loathing. And she must need saving.

I’m sorry, Doc, but would you mind fucking right off? Just because I made a few jokes about giving my son (who’s entirely fictitious) his dead grandfather’s bellend as a Christmas present, it does not mean I need psychological help. I mean, even if I do decide to have therapy, I hope to the God of Good Brows it wouldn't result in a vanillafied sense of humour. #liveforthelols #yankeecandle

Sadly, this attitude towards women and wit isn’t exclusive to men. Women (yes, more than one woman) have actually sat me down and expressed their ‘concern’ for the things I find amusing, as if I was out in the garden skinning feral cats and laughing maniacally at their misfortune. Honestly, It’s as if being a committed veggie (of three months) counts for nothing.

As well as having women express their ‘concern’, I’ve also had fellow females admit to me that they think humour is a boner-killer. They seriously think being funny would make them less attractive, which is a belief that only serves to cement the opinions of those reddit twats.

Out of everything, that’s what makes my heart hurt the most. Until women are brought up to see themselves as capable, enthralling, and STILL totally fuckable, we will never have true equality.

I could go on a (longer) rant about the injustice of the patriarchy, and how it makes me incredibly sad that some women have fallen victim to misogynistic conditioning, but I’m only a few paragraphs away from chainsawing my tits off, shoving them in a jar full of potent potpourri, and posting them off to Reddit HQ. Which would be a highly ineffective protest, and a waste of pretty good tits.

So, given it’s INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY Y’ALL, I want to use this bit of internet space to celebrate some hilarious women (a positive kind of Fuck You). 

For one reason or another, all of these women have been incredibly influential to me:

Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders

Fuck Guevara - these two are real revolutionaries, at least of the comedy scene. Together, they helped to transform comedy with their sketches, movie parodies and balls-to-the-wall attitude. And when they had no money, they didn’t wallow in bitterness - they dressed up, got on the tube, and terrified strangers all day. Total genius.

Diane Morgan

Some of you might know her better as Philomena Cunk - Charlie Brooker’s ridiculous presenter.

But, before Diane landed the Cunk job, she was a stand-up comic for years, and I admire her commitment to the lols. Whenever I finally grow up, I want to be a much squintier version of Diane - she’s hilariously dark and a proper advocate of weird. She’s the epitome of ‘no fucks given’ and the opposite of a capitalist whore (according to this Guardian article - I'm not her accountant).

Kiri Pritchard-McLean

Writer, director, stand-up comic, podcast extraordinaire, compère…. this gal’s the jack of all trades and the master of them all. I saw a lot of live comedy up in Manchester last year, and her show knocked it out of the park - serious lols for days. And when I slid into her DMs, like the desperate groupie I am, Kiri was kind enough to take the time to respond (more than once). Even my ‘mates’ don’t do that.

Zawe Ashton

Zawe is a self-declared artist, and rightly so. She’s a woman of many creative talents and insightful opinions. She seems achingly cool, and way beyond my social remit, which is probably why I sound like such a bum-licker right now. Anyway, I became a fan of Zawe when she absolutely nailed playing Vod in Fresh Meat - funny, fierce, and totally unapologetic. The real Archbishop of Banterbury.

Daisy May Cooper

This Country is a brilliant mockumentary, based in a shit Gloucestershire village, and Daisy is its creator. She plays the part of Kerry, an asexual slug (Daisy's words, not mine), and she stars alongside her brother, Charlie. It's quotable gold. A cult classic. And it's amazing how much material Daisy's been able to squeeze out of such an uninspiring place. Pure creativity. 

Alice Levine

Sure, Alice might be one of the best jokers on one of the best comedy podcasts every made (My Dad Wrote a Porno, obvs), but she’s also proof that a female disc jockey can be highly entertaining. Alice has been a presenter on Radio 1 for years, and she’s bloody brilliant. Witty and well-versed in designed awkwardness - she’s my radio hero.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge

If you haven’t seen Fleabag, sort it out. It’s Phoebe’s baby, and it’s a gloriously dark depiction of female sexuality, loneliness, and tragedy. Oh, and it’s hella funny. For me, it’s so refreshing to see a strong female character with a morbid sense of humour and an imperfect history. I live in hope that I’ll one day have the balls to write like Phoebe, and the skill to handle the balls.

Also, I fucking love Phoebe’s mum for imparting this wisdom -  ‘Darling, you can be whatever you want to be, as long as you’re outrageous’. What a woman. 

So, yeah, women can be hilarious, and dark, and interesting. And collating a list of funny females is (probably) way more cathartic than sending a pair of hate-tits to Reddit HQ would've been. There are loads of inspirational Huns out there - I could bang on about them for days, but I’m running out of ways to say ‘comic genius’.

As times (hopefully) change, I’m looking forward to seeing more and more women in comedy - women from all walks of life. Because, even though I know loads of piss-funny gals, it sure still seems like it’s a man’s world out there.  

So let's encourage the lols in everyone. Then let’s find those dickhead reddit users, sabotage their WiFi access, and collectively defecate on their back-up porn. 

Peace and love xoxo