Thursday, 26 November 2015

Thank you for your time today, and we won't be in contact soon.

With graduation coming up, I thought it would be a good idea to prepare for all those graduate jobs that I'm not applying for. I already have a pretty good curriculum vitae, so I thought it would be more useful to prepare for typical questions that are asked during an interview. I believe that the purpose of an interview is for a company to gain a good insight into who they are potentially hiring. Therefore, I've come up with a set of answers that provide an accurate representation of myself.

Why have you applied for this job?
I've applied for this job because I no longer receive regular income from the government, I've maxed out my student overdrafts, and I was informed that this job pays pretty well. Plus, my friend works here so I've got someone to go to lunch with.

What are your greatest strengths?
I believe that my greatest strengths are aggressive dad dancing, eating copious amounts of cake, and perfectly quoting Kevin G's 'Mathlete Rap' from Mean Girls.

Where do you see yourself in five years time?
Ideally, I'd like to be exploring the world with someone who wouldn't mind admitting to strangers that they knew me. More realistically, I'd like to have better hair, and to be the owner of a coat that isn't broken.

What motivates you?
Free food, free rum, and happiness (but my happiness mainly comes from free food and rum).

What makes you a good team member?
I can communicate effectively, which I regularly demonstrate by forcing my friends to play Taboo with me.
I'm prepared to sacrifice being known as the 'star player' in order to benefit the whole team, which I recently demonstrated by offering to be on the bottom layer of a human pyramid.
Also, I'm prepared to step out of my comfort zone for the benefit of my entire team. Despite finding everything about tuna absolutely disgusting, I ate three spoons of it just so my team would win a drinking game. Honestly, it was traumastising. In fact, the memory of having to fish those dry, tuna flakes out from behind my wisdom teeth, with my own tongue, is so traumasting that I often still suffer sweat-inducing flashbacks.

Can you give us an example of when you showed resilience?
I was watching Jamie T last summer, and I was having simply the best time. Unfortuntately, I became the victim of someone's piss in a cup. What's more unfortunate is that the piss hit my face just as I'd started to sing along rather enthusiastically. Yes, the piss landed directly into my mouth. Before I knew what had actually happened, I was swallowing. I know for definite that it was piss, and not drink, because it was warm. It was so very warm.
Instead of letting someone's potentially disease riddled piss ruin Jamie T for me, I simply decided to accept what had happened, and carry on. That, I personally believe, is true resilience.

Can you give us an example of when you've had to use your initiative?
Back when I was in school, some friends were planning to perform The Darkness' 'I Believe in a Thing Called Love', but their lead singer had pulled out. For a fiver, I said I would do it (it's actually depressing how much I'd still do for a fiver). It hadn't occurred to me that a lead singer normally has to know all of the words to their own song, so I obviously didn't make an effort to learn the lyrics. This became a bit of an issue when I was faced with a sea of disappointed teachers and parents. Apparently, humming along to the music was not fooling any of them. Using my initiative, I decided to distract the crowd by aggressively two-stepping and wind-milling (it was back in the days of MySpace). If I remember correctly, I closed the show by swinging the blonde wig that I'd been wearing around my head as if, instead of publicly humiliating myself, I'd just headlined Glastonbury.
Using my initiative effectively meant that the crowd had become so distracted that they'd totally forgot that I didn't know any of the lyrics, apart from 'touching meeee, touching youuuuuu.' Although, I sincerely doubt that the music teacher ever forgot how I had 'spoilt' her concert that had originally aimed to celebrate talented and gifted musicians.

Finally, what can you do for us that other candidates can't?
I think it's unlikely that another candidate would be able to fit thirty two pickled onions into their mouth, or completely bend their thumb backwards. Fortunately for you, I can do both of these things.

Granted, these answers might not have employers fighting over me, but at least I'd never be faced with the fear that I'd over sold myself in the interview. Although, that is mainly because no one would ever hire me, unless they needed to fill some bizarre, and unheard of, 'pity the unemployable' quota.