Wednesday, 2 September 2015

To date or not to date? That is the question.


Before coming out to America, I was firmly against the idea of dating. I know, it's easier to say that you don't date than to admit that, despite lowering swiping standards on tinder, the offers aren't rolling in. As mentioned in a previous post, my game is seriously lacking and I'm incapable of flirting without someone thinking that I require a permanent carer. Also, I find the idea of someone knowing that I like them more horrifying than when I open the camera up on my phone and I'm confronted by all of my chins (I can often put the thumb man to shame).

This summer, I decided to put on my big girl pants and actually go on a date (yes, it was a tinder date). It quickly became apparent that he was an extremely successful and well-accomplished adult. Naturally, this made the date very awkward at first given that I'm currently avoiding even the smallest of responsibilities and I have no career prospects. Luckily, we ended up bonding over ridiculous videos that we'd both seen and urban dictionary (who ever said that the internet has killed the art of conversation?). Although the hug he gave me at the end of the date indicated that it hadn't been too much of a success. I may not be a connoisseur of dating but I am pretty sure that closing a date with a hug is merely a polite way of saying  'sorry, but I'm not that keen'.

Surprisingly, we did end up going on another date a few weeks later (the dating pool is very small in this town). This date was a lot more fun because he took me out on his boat. This meant that once the conversation started to run dry, we could avoid the awkward silence by going for a swim in the water. In hindsight, cannon balling into the water might not have been the most graceful approach. Although the cannon ball can't have bothered him too much as I received three separate texts from him later that night. I'm often unaware of social norms but even I know that triple texting is at least one, if not two, texts too far.

Although I didn't have a great summer romance, I do now understand that dating can be a great way to meet new people and to experience new things. Despite this, I think it's time to put my tinder swiping days to bed. As unconvincing as it sounds, I'm genuinely not looking to date anyone. I'd much rather spend my nights causing general mischief with my friends than trying to convince someone I barely know, or particularly care about, that they should see me again. Plus, I'd only really feel comfortable going to dinner with someone who I know would tell me when I have a herb stuck in my teeth (my front teeth are unfortunately close together, which means they often act like the filter for herbs I never wanted, or needed). Besides, it's actually become quite embarrassing how many times I've completed tinder and have had to extend my distance setting in order to reel in new potential fish. Turns out that the app isn't as much of an ego boost as my friend promised it would be.

Although a friend did tell me this year, rather brutally, that I have been single long enough and that it was time for me to settle down. I personally believe that this advice was more ridiculous than Kanye declaring that he will be running for President in 2020 (even if, as Jimmy Fallon pointed out, you can't spell Amerikanye without 'Kanye'). It's ridiculous advice because I don't feel the need to 'settle down'. This might be because I'm lucky in that I already have people in my life who I know I love (even if they are mildly attractive, at best).

In fact, they might be the true loves of my life because they genuinely seem to enjoy my terribly niche jokes and my awful Terminator impressions. I also know that I can rely on them to sooth my hangovers and that they would never judge me for eating two takeaways in one day (it's happened). What's more, they would never tell me off, although they probably should sometimes, for rolly-pollying during a gig or for demonstrating how strong my lunge is in a highly populated area. Most importantly, I know that they'll always dance ridiculously with me no matter where we are. Really, that's all I want from the loves in my life. Unfortunately, they also have an outrageous collection of potentially life ruining photos and videos that they could release into the world at any point. This means that I have to keep them in my life and that's already more commitment than I can truly handle.

So, to the guys on tinder: don't worry, you're safe for now.