Sunday, 23 August 2015

Pass me my zimmer frame.

Another birthday has been and gone. It's now becoming increasingly more difficult to use my youth as an excuse for my terrible decision making and my lack of financial security. However, I do enjoy taking advantage of the fact that there is one day each year where it's a requirement to be fed cake and to treat yourself. To me, treating myself involves ensuring that all of my friends hang out with me and encourage my need to act ridiculously. I see it as the hen party that I'll probably never have.

Last year, I got quite stroppy with some of my friends for not making an appearance on the actual day of my birthday. The strop was a definite mistake because they decided to more than make up for it a few days later at Reading Festival. It started off quite innocently with them buying me a birthday cake (they know cake is the way to my heart). It escalated quite quickly when I was funneling a beer and they thought it would be hilarious to simultaneously poor a bottle of vodka into the funnel. I'm pretty sure instead of being hilarious, it actually counts as a severe crime given I had to sit down and give myself a pep talk on how I was going to survive the night. 

At first, it appeared that my pep talk had done the trick. My main crime was smushing my birthday cake into most of my friends' faces and for some of them, that's definitely not the worst facial they've ever had. The havoc didn't come until we went to visit another camp. I had never met the people at this camp before and within less than half an hour, I'd rolly-pollied through their campfire because I'm apparently Evel Knievel reincarnated when vodka kicks in. I then proceeded to break a few of their campchairs because I heard that's a good way to make excellent first impressions. Being the fatty that I am, I also stole a sausage and swallowed it whole. The sausage didn't stay down for long but it did still remain whole (which I'm worryingly quite proud of). Eventually, my friends hauled me back to my own campsite and folded me into my insanely small tent.

Ridiculously, that isn't where the havoc stopped. I woke up in the early hours of the morning and somehow managed to locate the toilets and purchase a cup of tea. When I went back to what  I though was my tent, I found a boy sleeping in my place. It was like a festival version of Goldilocks and the three bears. Naturally, I began shaking his legs and shouting, "get out of my tent, boy!" whilst simultaneously scolding him with my tea. Fortunately, it only took me a minute or two to realise that the boy was sleeping in a copious amount of bedding and I had hardly brought a sleeping bag with me. Awkwardly, I zipped the poor boy's tent back up and stumbled back to my own campsite and my own tent. 

This year, I might have managed to avoid rolling through a fire but my birthday was still quite ridiculous. The day started off quite respectably given I mainly spent the day treating myself. I even treated myself to a pedicure which, if I'm being honest, was probably more of a treat for the people of St. Michaels who have to see my feet regularly. 

In the late afternoon, Steve the local pirate offered to take my friends and I on his sail boat. Steve might have failed as a pirate to supply rum but my friend had bought me wine and cake so I was more than happy. After an hour or so of sailing, and enjoying how ridiculously gorgeous the view was out on the bay, we decided to get in the water. Despite not having any appropriate swimming gear on, I jumped in right after my friends because I've never really understood why it's deemed as unacceptable for people to see you in your underwear. Although I do believe that jumping in the water with eye-liner on should definitely be deemed as unacceptable. Smudged eye-liner is not a good look and I don't want people thinking that I'm taking my new love for Giant Pandas too far.

After a while, our stomachs were telling us that we needed to head back to land and get some food. Although it was delicious, the cake I had proudly scoffed wasn't really substantial. Despite this, when we docked the boat and went to get some food, I decided that I was no longer hungry. Not eating was definitely my first mistake. Some might say that eating is cheating but sometimes, eating is actually a necessity. 

My second mistake was playing a game with my friend that resulted in me drinking two buckets of rum in under ten minutes. Seriously, there was no rum left at the bar because I had literally drank it all. Before I knew it, I was ordering my friend to pass me the mini american flags that were decorating the bar so I could be toplessly patriotic. If class was a requirement to stay in this country, I'd definitely be on the next plane home. 

The rest of the evening is hazy but thankfully, my friends are more decent than they make out to be and made sure I got home safely. Their efforts were slightly wasted though because I didn't stay at home. I had an extremely short nap and woke up thinking that my friends had sent me to bed early. Given I suffer terribly from fear of missing out (FOMO as it's known amongst professionals), I decided to cycle back out again and meet my friends out. I'd failed to take a light with me so naturally, I swept up a garden light as I was cycling. I then proceeded to hold the light as if I was Aragorn leading the Host of the West into battle. Luckily, I realised before I got to the bar that it was actually gone three in the morning and my friends were already in bed. Awkwardly, I turned my bike around and cycled home. 

Finally, I ended up in bed but still continued to make ridiculous choices. I thought it would be a great idea to message an old friend and tell him that he was shit for not remembering my birthday. I then proceeded to tell him that he'd changed. When he asked how he'd changed, I merely sent him a stream of poo emojis. Unsurprisingly, he hasn't replied. The internet may have made a lot of things easier in my life but it does mean, even when there's an ocean separating you, it's still easy to drunkenly harass someone. I can move to a different country but if you're in my contact list then you're at risk. You've been warned. 

Despite the minor theft, indecent exposure and brutal hangover (they really do get worse every year), I had a great birthday and I'm grateful that I still have friends that don't mind hanging out with me. I'm looking forward to avoiding coming of age for another year.