Sunday, 24 May 2015

How many years does it take to gain a qualification you'll probably never use?

Three. Three of the best and worst years of my life so far. 

Nearly ten years ago, I told my most ridiculous friend that I didn’t want to go to University. For some reason she found this outrageous. In an effort to try and change my mind, my friend dedicated an entire lunch break trying to raise money to get me to go. Unfortunately; she only managed to raise 2p. I’m also pretty sure that 2p was actually her own money that she’d put in to try and encourage others to contribute. Fundraising clearly isn’t her specialty.

Regardless, I didn’t want her efforts to go to waste. I finally finished University last week. 


 To the disappointment of my parents, I still have no career prospects. Despite this, I did learn a lot from my time at Uni. Although not much of it seems to be that relevant now I’ve left.

I unfortunately learnt that your lectures can hear more than you think. They will definitely hear that inappropriate joke you make. They will also most definitely hear you telling your friend about why you woke up with such a sense of shame and regret. At least this has given me another good justification as to why my grades took a sudden dip (sorry Dad).

If you are going to partake in a dance off, the funky chicken should probably not be your go to move. This is especially important if you are wearing heels and the floor is covered in unwanted apple sourz. You will fall flat on your face and everybody will see. Some people might like getting shout-outs form a DJ but it doesn’t sound as good when they’re shouting out to ‘face plant girl’. In fact, dancing in general can be quite dangerous. This is especially true if you’re prone to getting white girl drunk and slut dropping, which my friend found out the hard way. Apparently, excessive slut dropping can result in a ripped vagina. You have been warned.

I learnt how to play basketball badly. Seriously, if you’re going to join a sports team I recommend that you learn the rules. If you learn the rules, you’ll probably spend a lot less time running up and down the court causing havoc for your own team.


By joining a social, I found out that sharpies can make or break a fancy dress outfit. Although using a sharpie on your skin is definitely not a good idea. No one looks good when they show up to work and they’re still showing off an ‘I heart Mom’ tattoo.

As harsh at it is to accept, you will get fat at some point. This might be because you're a committed cider rider who spends hangover days soothing yourself with all of the beige foods. It could be because food is your only joy when you’re crying in the library. It could simply be because you have realised that the easiest way of saving money without starving is by stocking up on frozen chips and chicken dippers. Whatever the reason, there will come a time when you do not fit into your favourite outfit anymore. Do not panic. It happens to everyone. 



I discovered that sometimes it’s okay not to rise to a challenge. Being challenged to swim in a fountain is a perfect example of when it’s okay to say no. Trust me; you will not achieve anything from getting in that fountain. You’ll just be very wet and cold. No, you will not look like a James Bond girl. 

Being prepared for your housemates to see you at your very worst is important. They'll see you when you're crying because your favourite character of Grey's Anatomy has been killed off. They'll see you when you've forgotten to do your washing and have to resort to wearing your Gryffindor pyjamas and your punderful 'Czech me out' hoodie. They'll know when you've eaten tea and still order a takeaway. They'll definitely see you naked. Embrace it.

I quickly realised that justifying your lack of personal maintenance is not made acceptable by advertising it as jungle which serves as a replacement for going travelling. Apparently, when people say they want to ‘lose themselves’ they do not mean in your hair. Who knew?

It may sound surprising but no one will want to buy your old bras on ebay. At Uni it is very easy to spend money, especially when you decide to take a month out one summer to go adventuring round Europe. Whatever you do, do not take out a second student overdraft. This will only make matters worse when you’re faced with the harsh reality that none of your belongings are actually worth selling.


On a more serious note, I learnt that it's important to make genuinely committed friends. The kinds of friends that will start a hashtag when they can't find you at the end of a night and that will tell you you're still pretty when you wake up sporting half a moustache. It takes true commitment to lie like that. 



Unfortunately, University is over and I think that means it's time for me to throw out the cider stained fancy dress and become an adult. Wish me luck.