Sunday, 26 April 2015

Sorry but I have no game.

Unless I've overindulged in Dutch courage and then I’m convinced that I'm actually Beyoncé.

My lack of game became embarrassingly apparent when someone recently asked me to share an awkward date story.  I had to refer back to a time when I was nineteen and someone thought it was okay to lick my entire face. Seriously, I didn't even need to use make-up remover that night because his tongue had been sufficient. He also spoke in a French accent, even though he'd never been to France. The whole affair was very strange. 

That story is nearly five years old and it’s one of the last dates I went on. 

So I've recently undertaken research into how to get ‘game’. Although calling it research might be stretching it. What I really mean is that I harassed my friends (who have somehow managed to convince people to date them) for advice. Only to be told that ‘you just need to have game’ and ‘you just need to be sassier’.

This was obviously no help as I don’t understand what ‘game’ is. Plus, the only time I care enough to get sassy is when someone insults my Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions.

I decided to turn to my male friends for more constructive advice. This was definitely an error as they just saw it as a good opportunity to laugh at my previous poor decisions.

So what if I just rhymed at my crush when I unexpectedly bumped into him? Although later sending him the urban dictionary definition of a word I'd made up might have been a bit odd. No one needs to know that 'brilling' means fooling around with roadkill.

My friends did have one good point though; maybe it is time I stop sending Harry Potter chat-up lines as my opener.  Apparently, I’m the only one who finds ‘I might be from Gryffindor but you can Slytherin’ hilarious.

Ultimately, I didn't really learn anything.  Except for the fact that I need to get over my irrational fear of cats, as I’m definitely on the spinster train and there are no brakes.